Musings from the Moonroom

Thoughts on Art, Inspiration, Creativity and Spirit

Preparing to Say Goodbye

11 Comments

The spirit of death weighs heavy on me this week. A friend who has been battling cancer for nearly 3 years has entered hospice in preparation for her final days. At home our dear, sweet oldest cat also appears to be preparing us for his last days. I am heartbroken. We knew these times would come. Someday. Yet all the mental preparation in the world really doesn’t prepare you.

Run

I want to run. I want to run hard, fast, and away from the pain that grips my heart. I feel it ache and tears well-up in my eyes. I want to scream and push the pain aside. I want to tell death to F.O.  And then I find a moment of calm. My heart relaxes and relief washes over me. I don’t like this roller coaster. I want to busy myself with something else. I cannot. I must embrace my fear.

Time is Precious

I look back on the days when I would visit my friend. A group was formed after she returned home from surgery. We would take turns visiting, providing food, conversation, helping around the house. Whatever we could do to be of service. It was a bit hard at first. What will I say? What will we talk about? There were good days and not so good days. Months of good health in spite of the situation. Laughter, jokes, walks, and ice cream. Sharing of art. Sharing of spirituality. On the days when I really didn’t feel like going, I was glad I did.

At home, I find myself missing Woody cat, even though he is just one floor below me curled up on our bed. He has fought kidney and thyroid disease for more than a year, but less than two. So many blood tests & pills to give. Through it all he has been our Zen kitty. So tolerant. So accepting. I wonder how I would’ve put up with all he’s gone through. Changes in his health were mostly gradual. And then one day you notice something isn’t right. This latest change happened over last weekend. It is the one I’ve dreaded.

Preparing

How does one prepare to say goodbye? I honestly do not know. This isn’t like “goodbye, I’ll see you later.” This is the final goodbye. I know you won’t be coming back. You tell yourself you’ll be alright. That this is the circle of life. Then you tell yourself that is a bunch of BS. The pain grows stronger inside. The grief. It swells and then I burst.

I’ve spent most days this week in silence. No music. Some TV. Meals are quiet with some conversation. A pall hangs over us. This has been a pretty sucky week. Sometimes it hurts to be a heart-centered person. I know my heart center is large and it absorbs much of the pain and sorrow around me. That is why my heart breaks so easily. I feel it down into my hands and all around my chest.

I wake each morning and thank the Universe for another day. I thank the Universe for bringing my friend and my pet through the night. I spend time thinking of good memories and the joy these two beings brought into my life.

I don’t know if I’m truly prepared for what comes next. I only hope that when it comes, I can let it wash over me. Welcome it. Then let it go.

Woody

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11 thoughts on “Preparing to Say Goodbye

  1. It’s difficult, so challenging, when we know a dear friend or pet is going to pass over. It’s hard for those of us left behind.

    What helps me is knowing that all things in life are ever-changing and impermanent. Practicing acceptance of things the way they are helps but sadness is a part of the process too. Allowing myself to experience the feelings and let them wash over me helps me to move through the moment of grief into the next one which seems all the more beautiful and poignant.

  2. I agree with Loran. Allow yourself to mourn, Amy. So hard to let go. We have no control and that sucks, if you will. Just knowing the joy you have given your friend and Woody is what you can hold on to. No regrets; you gave 100% of yourself.

  3. Well said, my heart too is with you. I have been where you are now. It does get easier. I am a more tolerant person because of these experiences. Just know you are loved and the Universe is hugging you right now.

  4. Remember they live on through their essence, their soul, their spirit. It’s like putting on a different dress – a change in outer appearance, nothing else changes. It is very hard for us still wearing the old dress to accept and have faith. They are with us always – no matter their form – our essence is eternal.

    Allow them and yourself to mourn the loss of the mortal attachment – we all have some fear of change and this one is major for all parties involved. Here faith and love prevail as you know in your heart and soul they will move beyond your sight and touch, yet remain with you. Very difficult for us mortals…

    Prayers and loving thoughts are with you and your dear ones.

  5. You have wise friends Amy and there isn’t much more I can say to add but I am thinking of you in this time.
    Know peace,
    Wendy

  6. My thoughts and prayers are with you and them. What a gift they have knowing how much they are loved. As I read, I immediately envisioned your friend holding your cat in the after life, both at peace. My heart is with you.

    • Thank you everyone for your kind words of compassion. I am grateful for all your thoughts. I feel as if you’re sending me a virtual hug and that brings me great peace. Namaste.

  7. Pingback: A Wednesday Full of Woody « Musings from the Moonroom

  8. My deepest sympathy, Amy, on the passing of your friend. No one is ever prepared to lose a loved one, even if their passing is expected…

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